for my favorite human

you got me thinking things i've never known before
like waves crashing down the first time on a new shore
a power i can barely explain
but my heart sings a little just to hear your name

i don't always know how to play
and i know that makes it hard for me to say
all the words i want to give to you
and all the joy that sees me through

you're the light that guides through the rain
like a the tunnel left open for the train
you're the words that fill the page
like an actors monologue on an empty stage
you're the peace in my heart
you're the most beautiful part......

of me

conflicted....i've been thinking about it all day

***the choice between reaching and falling and chasing and calling, who knows where else i will land.....the musical pippin explores that option.....first he wants out, he feels everything he needs is somewhere else, somewhere reaching and moving and traveling and expanded.....and the end he resolves to come back or settle....because all that he was doing was running from what he really wanted in the first place, is that really settling....after all he came back with his own battle scars.....and do we think we always must be somewhere crazier faster harder.....but really what we crave is to be where we feel like we are a part of something as oppossed to being a lonely traveler....here are two expcerpts first his initial feelings of needing more, brought togther with the end when he realzies all he ever wanted was what was already there.....*****


pippin by stephen sondheim

from the beginning
So many men seem destined
To settle for something small
But I won't rest until I know I'll have it all
So don't ask where I'm going
Just listen when I'm gone
And far away you'll hear me singing
Softly to the dawn:
Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

finale:
I'm not a river or a giant bird That soars to the sea
And if I'm never tied to anything
I'll never be free
I wanted magic shows and miracles
Mirages to touch
I wanted such a little thing from life
I wanted so much
I never came close, my love
We never came near
It never was there
I think it was here
They showed me crimson, gold and lavender
A shining parade
But there's no color I can have on earth
That won't finally fade
When I wanted worlds to paint
And costumes to wear
I think it was here
'Cause it never was there
I wanted magic shows and miracles
Mirages to touch
I wanted such a little thing from life
I wanted so much

such a conflict....that balance of searching out what is in our best interest and what we really want to do versus taking that too far, and leaving more behind than we care to. this musical has been intense in my thoughts since i saw it for the first time. that relationship to our roots and home and the basics we understand against a nagging desire to do it all. that same force that has taken many of my friends all over the world and conversely has kept so many of them safe at home in the same place we grow up. there is balance there i think. but what and how do i seek it......i don't really want to wander....but i don't want to be a teachers assistant for the rest of my life either.....back to college for a degree....into a field of team building....unknown....but maybe what plays into all this is an idea of love.....the fact that when i made a timeline for my life in 7th grade i was never set to meet anyone to share my life with....maybe the fact that faces me now is that i have found someone....someone who i would want to share more of my life with someone i want to be with me as i travel forth through this space.....someone to challenge me and push closer to the balance between running into the blue sky and settling...i have found her.....and i love her......

what should i do with myself

so if that last song i posted was for cheryl....this is for me.....i refuse to lose the person i love and care for because i am not making the best use of myself....i need to be in control and make forwarding choices and givemyself the future i have planned so many times only to have the rug tore out from underneath me....from college funds running out and my parents telling me to quit, to moving to a state planning to attend college and then having to leave and then finding my dream job without the dream perks and within a struture i cannot function in....here i sit making poor use of many parts of me, and she knows it....she knows all kinds of things....i don't want to dissappoint myself or her.....so thats where my brain is.....but thank you to my favorite human for all the greatness she brings to my world.....thank you

everybody's girl by jen foster

"I don't know why you don't go back to college and get your degree,"
"You could be anything you want to be if you'd only believe that you're
Worthy, beautiful, you don't need their approval,
And I'll be the rock that you can lean on..."
"I've watched you work the room - people hanging on every word,
You build it, then kill it, leaving a mystery everybody needs,
You're broken, beautiful, you fascinate them all,
And they'll be the wind that you will lean on..."
"And why are you everybody's girl?
Why (do) you throw your arms around the world?
When I am all you need to see you through,
I don't believe it, no, I don't believe it, no,
I don't know, know about you..."
"I don't know why you don't give up the
wild life and come be with me, you know,
'Cause I feel you, and I'm real, you've gotta believe that
I never would leave you, 'cause I'm strong, dependable,
and I could give you the world, Why can't I be the one you lean on?"
"And why are you everybody's girl?
Why (do) you throw your arms around the world?
When I am all you need to see you through,
I don't believe it, no I don't believe it, no, I don't know, know about you..."
Because I always fell short, because they always wanted more
Because he left and shut the door before you came along
I couldn't feel anybody's love, so everybody's love was not enough
But I know one day, it's going to fill me up
And that's why I am everybody's girl
That's why I throw my arms around the world
'Cause I cannot believe it could be true I don't believe it,
no I don't believe it, no, I don't know, know about
Why I am everybody's girl
That's why I throw my arms around the world
'Cause I cannot believe it could be true I don't believe it, no
I don't believe it, no, I don't know, know about you

for my dear friend

***i have always thought this song to be beautiful and it is on an album that i have creid to more than once....i have now passed that album to another who needs it......this is were her head is right now and i feel for her....such chaos and commotion in the brain and heart....i hope she finds what she needs with this time in the mountains....i know she will find something......*****


Mystery by the indigo girls

Each time youd pull down the drivewayI wasnt sure when I would see you again
Yours was a twisted blind sided highway
No matter which road you took then
Oh you set up your place in my thoughts
Moved in and made my thinking crowded
Now were out in the back with the barking dogs
My heart the red sun
Your heart the moon clouded
I could go crazy on a night like tonight
When summers beginning to give up her fight
And every thoughts a possibility
And the voices are heard but nothing is seen
Why do you spend this time with me
Maybe an equal mystery
So what is love then is it dictated or chosen
(handed down and made by hand)
Does it sing like the hymns of 1000 years
Or is it just pop emotion
(handed down and made by hand)
And if it ever was there and it left
Does it mean it was never true
And to exist it must elude
Is that why I think these things of youI could go crazy on a night like tonight
When summers beginning to give up her fight
And every thoughts a possibility
And the voices are heard but nothing is seen
Why do you spend this time with me
May be an equal mystery
But you like the taste of danger
It shines like sugar on your lips
And you like to stand in the line of fire
Just to show you can shoot straight from you hip
There must be a 1000 things you would die forI can hardly think of two
But not everything is better spoken aloud
Not when Im talking to you
Oh the pirate gets the ship and the girl tonight
Breaks a bottle to christen her
Basking in the exploits of her thief
Shes a very good listener
Maybe thats all that we need
Is to meet in the middle of impossibility
Were standing at opposite poles
Equal partners in a mystery
(handed down and made by hand)
Were standing at opposite poles
Equal partners in a mystery

i think we are getting a little self righteous...maybe

so i look around the school i work and i am surrounded by many students who classify themselves as "emo"....and another handful trying to be more emo.....
among my questions about this i must say that in the past 3 days i have had to explain to more than a few people exactly what emo even means....these are adults mind you...the kind of adults that once watched mtv but no longer see any point because it no longer plays any music, they were curious about this emo thing. i informed them with what i know. i know that emo is a style of music, generally slow and in my opinion a bit whiny. it is typically classified as a form of alternative music. the music usually sounds like the kind of thing one might slit their wrist to. but those slitting their wrist to this music would be probably doing it "because they see too much pain in their world", or "they are just so sad'. because their life is so hard. did i mention that the majority of emo music listeners are white, upper-middle class teens.

my question comes from where are they getting this poor pitiful me routine from in the first place.....a seemingly disregard for anyone else in the world because clearly they problems are the greatest....their problems of curfew and homework....really....i wish that was the main thing i worried about in my life. so what makes people really think the world spins on axis just for them. now don't get me wrong, i believe in good self esteem and i believe we should think that we are important because i believe we all are, however i also believe we need to recognize where we are standing when we look out.

for example, facebook now has a function that allows a person to know when they are being looked up. i don't even know how to understand how that is a good idea. so we're going to let people believe that someone is always looking them up so they can inturn have breakdown and feel that they have no friends when they realize they are not being constantly searched for. is their purpose to all of this. all these myspace and facebook options, letting you know what everyone you are "friends' with is currently doing, is that necessary......if we need to know what they are doing why not just ask them, with a phone call, email, or even a text message..... doesn't it make you wonder why we all care so much....why are we not existing in the reality we live in, why not make that space better instead of losing sleep over virtual space.

my other real concern is that really people thinks everyone is watching them. we all want to feel that celebrity energy i guess....in regards to what i said above, we want to think they are all watching just us....so we post and do things within a virtual space hoping that someone will be offended or pissed....why because we feel that we have power because we didn't have to say it to their face....

i would just like to say that nobody cares....most people are so concerned now with themselves they have such a hard time realizing their are other people out their with so little.....what privilege to bash someone on online, or tastelessly post pics of something...what privilege to have access to a computer able to do those things and what privilege to have the knowledge to do so....there are still places where myspace doesn't exist and would argue they are just fine without it....really...i guess what i really want to say is moderation and be appropriate, use it for what it is to be used for, not to make ourselves even more self righteous than we already are

or this

....it had to go somewhere

i'd like to say i don't know
what it is the tears are for
i would like i'm wondering
why i'm headed for the door

i feel too old to be scared
like a notion i don't know
and too young to say goodbye
thats an emotion that doesn't go

but i worry for his health
i worry for his soul
that he is left lonely
and believes thats just how it goes

too far away i feel
my choices brought me here
but the thought of returning
makes me have even more fear

i know this time he'll be alright
its just what 'this time' has done to me
worried that he's having fun
living as he needs to be

where is it that he goes when theres a story to share
where does he wander when he has time to spare
honest forgiving, a better man i never knew
from end to beginning, my dad will carry through