conflicted....i've been thinking about it all day

***the choice between reaching and falling and chasing and calling, who knows where else i will land.....the musical pippin explores that option.....first he wants out, he feels everything he needs is somewhere else, somewhere reaching and moving and traveling and expanded.....and the end he resolves to come back or settle....because all that he was doing was running from what he really wanted in the first place, is that really settling....after all he came back with his own battle scars.....and do we think we always must be somewhere crazier faster harder.....but really what we crave is to be where we feel like we are a part of something as oppossed to being a lonely traveler....here are two expcerpts first his initial feelings of needing more, brought togther with the end when he realzies all he ever wanted was what was already there.....*****


pippin by stephen sondheim

from the beginning
So many men seem destined
To settle for something small
But I won't rest until I know I'll have it all
So don't ask where I'm going
Just listen when I'm gone
And far away you'll hear me singing
Softly to the dawn:
Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

finale:
I'm not a river or a giant bird That soars to the sea
And if I'm never tied to anything
I'll never be free
I wanted magic shows and miracles
Mirages to touch
I wanted such a little thing from life
I wanted so much
I never came close, my love
We never came near
It never was there
I think it was here
They showed me crimson, gold and lavender
A shining parade
But there's no color I can have on earth
That won't finally fade
When I wanted worlds to paint
And costumes to wear
I think it was here
'Cause it never was there
I wanted magic shows and miracles
Mirages to touch
I wanted such a little thing from life
I wanted so much

such a conflict....that balance of searching out what is in our best interest and what we really want to do versus taking that too far, and leaving more behind than we care to. this musical has been intense in my thoughts since i saw it for the first time. that relationship to our roots and home and the basics we understand against a nagging desire to do it all. that same force that has taken many of my friends all over the world and conversely has kept so many of them safe at home in the same place we grow up. there is balance there i think. but what and how do i seek it......i don't really want to wander....but i don't want to be a teachers assistant for the rest of my life either.....back to college for a degree....into a field of team building....unknown....but maybe what plays into all this is an idea of love.....the fact that when i made a timeline for my life in 7th grade i was never set to meet anyone to share my life with....maybe the fact that faces me now is that i have found someone....someone who i would want to share more of my life with someone i want to be with me as i travel forth through this space.....someone to challenge me and push closer to the balance between running into the blue sky and settling...i have found her.....and i love her......