for my favorite human

you got me thinking things i've never known before
like waves crashing down the first time on a new shore
a power i can barely explain
but my heart sings a little just to hear your name

i don't always know how to play
and i know that makes it hard for me to say
all the words i want to give to you
and all the joy that sees me through

you're the light that guides through the rain
like a the tunnel left open for the train
you're the words that fill the page
like an actors monologue on an empty stage
you're the peace in my heart
you're the most beautiful part......

of me

conflicted....i've been thinking about it all day

***the choice between reaching and falling and chasing and calling, who knows where else i will land.....the musical pippin explores that option.....first he wants out, he feels everything he needs is somewhere else, somewhere reaching and moving and traveling and expanded.....and the end he resolves to come back or settle....because all that he was doing was running from what he really wanted in the first place, is that really settling....after all he came back with his own battle scars.....and do we think we always must be somewhere crazier faster harder.....but really what we crave is to be where we feel like we are a part of something as oppossed to being a lonely traveler....here are two expcerpts first his initial feelings of needing more, brought togther with the end when he realzies all he ever wanted was what was already there.....*****


pippin by stephen sondheim

from the beginning
So many men seem destined
To settle for something small
But I won't rest until I know I'll have it all
So don't ask where I'm going
Just listen when I'm gone
And far away you'll hear me singing
Softly to the dawn:
Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

finale:
I'm not a river or a giant bird That soars to the sea
And if I'm never tied to anything
I'll never be free
I wanted magic shows and miracles
Mirages to touch
I wanted such a little thing from life
I wanted so much
I never came close, my love
We never came near
It never was there
I think it was here
They showed me crimson, gold and lavender
A shining parade
But there's no color I can have on earth
That won't finally fade
When I wanted worlds to paint
And costumes to wear
I think it was here
'Cause it never was there
I wanted magic shows and miracles
Mirages to touch
I wanted such a little thing from life
I wanted so much

such a conflict....that balance of searching out what is in our best interest and what we really want to do versus taking that too far, and leaving more behind than we care to. this musical has been intense in my thoughts since i saw it for the first time. that relationship to our roots and home and the basics we understand against a nagging desire to do it all. that same force that has taken many of my friends all over the world and conversely has kept so many of them safe at home in the same place we grow up. there is balance there i think. but what and how do i seek it......i don't really want to wander....but i don't want to be a teachers assistant for the rest of my life either.....back to college for a degree....into a field of team building....unknown....but maybe what plays into all this is an idea of love.....the fact that when i made a timeline for my life in 7th grade i was never set to meet anyone to share my life with....maybe the fact that faces me now is that i have found someone....someone who i would want to share more of my life with someone i want to be with me as i travel forth through this space.....someone to challenge me and push closer to the balance between running into the blue sky and settling...i have found her.....and i love her......

what should i do with myself

so if that last song i posted was for cheryl....this is for me.....i refuse to lose the person i love and care for because i am not making the best use of myself....i need to be in control and make forwarding choices and givemyself the future i have planned so many times only to have the rug tore out from underneath me....from college funds running out and my parents telling me to quit, to moving to a state planning to attend college and then having to leave and then finding my dream job without the dream perks and within a struture i cannot function in....here i sit making poor use of many parts of me, and she knows it....she knows all kinds of things....i don't want to dissappoint myself or her.....so thats where my brain is.....but thank you to my favorite human for all the greatness she brings to my world.....thank you

everybody's girl by jen foster

"I don't know why you don't go back to college and get your degree,"
"You could be anything you want to be if you'd only believe that you're
Worthy, beautiful, you don't need their approval,
And I'll be the rock that you can lean on..."
"I've watched you work the room - people hanging on every word,
You build it, then kill it, leaving a mystery everybody needs,
You're broken, beautiful, you fascinate them all,
And they'll be the wind that you will lean on..."
"And why are you everybody's girl?
Why (do) you throw your arms around the world?
When I am all you need to see you through,
I don't believe it, no, I don't believe it, no,
I don't know, know about you..."
"I don't know why you don't give up the
wild life and come be with me, you know,
'Cause I feel you, and I'm real, you've gotta believe that
I never would leave you, 'cause I'm strong, dependable,
and I could give you the world, Why can't I be the one you lean on?"
"And why are you everybody's girl?
Why (do) you throw your arms around the world?
When I am all you need to see you through,
I don't believe it, no I don't believe it, no, I don't know, know about you..."
Because I always fell short, because they always wanted more
Because he left and shut the door before you came along
I couldn't feel anybody's love, so everybody's love was not enough
But I know one day, it's going to fill me up
And that's why I am everybody's girl
That's why I throw my arms around the world
'Cause I cannot believe it could be true I don't believe it,
no I don't believe it, no, I don't know, know about
Why I am everybody's girl
That's why I throw my arms around the world
'Cause I cannot believe it could be true I don't believe it, no
I don't believe it, no, I don't know, know about you

for my dear friend

***i have always thought this song to be beautiful and it is on an album that i have creid to more than once....i have now passed that album to another who needs it......this is were her head is right now and i feel for her....such chaos and commotion in the brain and heart....i hope she finds what she needs with this time in the mountains....i know she will find something......*****


Mystery by the indigo girls

Each time youd pull down the drivewayI wasnt sure when I would see you again
Yours was a twisted blind sided highway
No matter which road you took then
Oh you set up your place in my thoughts
Moved in and made my thinking crowded
Now were out in the back with the barking dogs
My heart the red sun
Your heart the moon clouded
I could go crazy on a night like tonight
When summers beginning to give up her fight
And every thoughts a possibility
And the voices are heard but nothing is seen
Why do you spend this time with me
Maybe an equal mystery
So what is love then is it dictated or chosen
(handed down and made by hand)
Does it sing like the hymns of 1000 years
Or is it just pop emotion
(handed down and made by hand)
And if it ever was there and it left
Does it mean it was never true
And to exist it must elude
Is that why I think these things of youI could go crazy on a night like tonight
When summers beginning to give up her fight
And every thoughts a possibility
And the voices are heard but nothing is seen
Why do you spend this time with me
May be an equal mystery
But you like the taste of danger
It shines like sugar on your lips
And you like to stand in the line of fire
Just to show you can shoot straight from you hip
There must be a 1000 things you would die forI can hardly think of two
But not everything is better spoken aloud
Not when Im talking to you
Oh the pirate gets the ship and the girl tonight
Breaks a bottle to christen her
Basking in the exploits of her thief
Shes a very good listener
Maybe thats all that we need
Is to meet in the middle of impossibility
Were standing at opposite poles
Equal partners in a mystery
(handed down and made by hand)
Were standing at opposite poles
Equal partners in a mystery

i think we are getting a little self righteous...maybe

so i look around the school i work and i am surrounded by many students who classify themselves as "emo"....and another handful trying to be more emo.....
among my questions about this i must say that in the past 3 days i have had to explain to more than a few people exactly what emo even means....these are adults mind you...the kind of adults that once watched mtv but no longer see any point because it no longer plays any music, they were curious about this emo thing. i informed them with what i know. i know that emo is a style of music, generally slow and in my opinion a bit whiny. it is typically classified as a form of alternative music. the music usually sounds like the kind of thing one might slit their wrist to. but those slitting their wrist to this music would be probably doing it "because they see too much pain in their world", or "they are just so sad'. because their life is so hard. did i mention that the majority of emo music listeners are white, upper-middle class teens.

my question comes from where are they getting this poor pitiful me routine from in the first place.....a seemingly disregard for anyone else in the world because clearly they problems are the greatest....their problems of curfew and homework....really....i wish that was the main thing i worried about in my life. so what makes people really think the world spins on axis just for them. now don't get me wrong, i believe in good self esteem and i believe we should think that we are important because i believe we all are, however i also believe we need to recognize where we are standing when we look out.

for example, facebook now has a function that allows a person to know when they are being looked up. i don't even know how to understand how that is a good idea. so we're going to let people believe that someone is always looking them up so they can inturn have breakdown and feel that they have no friends when they realize they are not being constantly searched for. is their purpose to all of this. all these myspace and facebook options, letting you know what everyone you are "friends' with is currently doing, is that necessary......if we need to know what they are doing why not just ask them, with a phone call, email, or even a text message..... doesn't it make you wonder why we all care so much....why are we not existing in the reality we live in, why not make that space better instead of losing sleep over virtual space.

my other real concern is that really people thinks everyone is watching them. we all want to feel that celebrity energy i guess....in regards to what i said above, we want to think they are all watching just us....so we post and do things within a virtual space hoping that someone will be offended or pissed....why because we feel that we have power because we didn't have to say it to their face....

i would just like to say that nobody cares....most people are so concerned now with themselves they have such a hard time realizing their are other people out their with so little.....what privilege to bash someone on online, or tastelessly post pics of something...what privilege to have access to a computer able to do those things and what privilege to have the knowledge to do so....there are still places where myspace doesn't exist and would argue they are just fine without it....really...i guess what i really want to say is moderation and be appropriate, use it for what it is to be used for, not to make ourselves even more self righteous than we already are

or this

....it had to go somewhere

i'd like to say i don't know
what it is the tears are for
i would like i'm wondering
why i'm headed for the door

i feel too old to be scared
like a notion i don't know
and too young to say goodbye
thats an emotion that doesn't go

but i worry for his health
i worry for his soul
that he is left lonely
and believes thats just how it goes

too far away i feel
my choices brought me here
but the thought of returning
makes me have even more fear

i know this time he'll be alright
its just what 'this time' has done to me
worried that he's having fun
living as he needs to be

where is it that he goes when theres a story to share
where does he wander when he has time to spare
honest forgiving, a better man i never knew
from end to beginning, my dad will carry through

evolving

its like its been contorted
it seems to have met a change
its like it almost left me
and as though its not the same

what i want seems different
what i see is something new
a lifestyle i once had
is now becoming something i never knew

i new level of peace
i new level of high
i new sense of release
my hands at my side

its not to say i've lost completly
what is i once help dear
more so i 've traded in the whiskey
and inturn traded in the beer

i would like to think that i can still hold my own
pretty sure i always will
but its a different road i travel
looking for a different fill

so many make assumptions
based on who i used to be
so many seemed confused
with the peace surrounding me

i worry not about that tho
i know it will be clear
i enjoy a life without a haze more often
and simply stated i am here

i feel a lot of bob dylan coming on....so part 1

this song has always said alot to me.....

Song to Woody
Bob Dylan
1962


I'm out here a thousand miles from my home,
Walkin' a road other men have gone down.
I'm seein' your world of people and things,
Your paupers and peasants and princes and kings.

Hey, hey Woody Guthrie, I wrote you a song
'Bout a funny ol' world that's a-comin' along.
Seems sick an' it's hungry, it's tired an' it's torn,
It looks like it's a-dyin' an' it's hardly been born.

Hey, Woody Guthrie, but I know that you know
All the things that I'm a-sayin' an' a-many times more.
I'm a-singin' you the song, but I can't sing enough,
'Cause there's not many men that done the things that you've done.

Here's to Cisco an' Sonny an' Leadbelly too,
An' to all the good people that traveled with you.
Here's to the hearts and the hands of the men
That come with the dust and are gone with the wind.

I'm a-leaving' tomorrow, but I could leave today,
Somewhere down the road someday.
The very last thing that I'd want to do
Is to say I've been hittin' some hard travelin' too

a little green

Latley it seems that going green
Has become the newest fashion thing
Good or bad
Its what we have

Paging through the magazine
I see the earth in everything
But the paper is still waxed and coated
Even if the products being promoted
Are covered in green

Little steps are were we begin
But its consciouness that find
We can wear it on our chest
But if we don’t believe the rest
Really, is that still kind

Because the trucks that bring those products still pollute the air
And the people that buy those products still don’t understand that there’s privelege there
The world that is being marketed to me
Is one that I can barely even see
So much I don’t understand
Why they are still trying to discover new land
Instead of just letting it be

Glad to see we are getting somewhere
But I beg that its not the end
Our world is shrinking
And we are losing the abilty to expand

So lets expand the conscoiuness
Lets expand the time
Lets make something of what this is
And lets believe in what we find

i love this song....

this song is from the musical follies by stephen sondheim....the musical is kind of a walk down memeory lane when an old theater is set to be demolished. the song really just makes me smile.....


Good times and bum times,I've seen them all and,
my dear,I'm still here.
Plush velvet sometimes,
Sometimes just pretzels and beer,
But I'm here.I've stuffed the dailies
In my shoes.
Strummed ukuleles,Sung the blues,
Seen all my dreams disappear,
But I'm here.I've slept in shanties,
Guest of the W.P.A.,But I'm here.
Danced in my scanties,Three bucks a night was the pay,
But I'm here.
I've stood on bread lines
With the best,
Watched while the headlines
Did the rest.
In the Depression was I depressed?
Nowhere near.
I met a big financier
And I'm here.
I've been through Gandhi,Windsor and Wally's affair,
And I'm here.
Amos 'n' Andy,Mah-jongg and platinum hair,
And I'm here.
I got through Abie'sIrish Rose,
Five Dionne babies,Major Bowes,
Had heebie-jeebies
For Beebe'sBathysphere.
I lived through Brenda Frazier
And I'm here.
I've gotten through Herbert and J. Edgar Hoover,
Gee, that was fun and a half.
When you've been through Herbert and J. Edgar Hoover,
Anything else is a laugh.
I've been through Reno.
I've been through Beverly Hills,And I'm here.
Reefers and vino,
Rest cures, religion and pills,
And I'm here
Been called a pinko
Commie tool,Got through it stinko
By my pool.
I should have gone to an acting school.
That seems clear,Still, someone said,
"She's sincere,"So I'm here.
Black sable one day.
Next day it goes into hock,
But I'm here.T
op billing Monday,Tuesday you're touring in stock,
But I'm here.
First you're anotherSloe-eyed vamp,
Then someone's mother,Then you're camp.
Then you career from career
To career.
I'm almost through my memoirs.
And I'm here.I've gotten through
"Hey, lady, aren't you whoozis?
Wow! What a looker you were.
"Or, better yet, "Sorry, I thought you were whoozis.
Whatever happened to her?"
Good times and bum times,
I've seen 'em all and, my dear,I'm still here.
Flush velvet sometimes,Sometimes just pretzels and beer,
But I'm here.I've run the gamut.A to Z.
Three cheers and dammit,C'est la vie.
I got through all of last year
And I'm here.
Lord knows, at least I was there,
And I'm here!
Look who's here!I'm still here!

****i miss the theater....a lot......

a question

so....is it a ppropriate to encourage someone to do something you believe to be unhealthy even if you yourself do it.....does that make a person a bigot....what if you are making that point to an 8th grader....does that still make you a bigot....is it wrong to encourage them to wait to be older before they experience something. i believe that we can give them words of wisdom without putting ourselves out. i mean i can tell someone its not good to drink all the time even if i plan on drinking tonight, because i am not an 8th grader....i think that is what they miss the most.

when do we begin to see the way cause really responds to affect....and is there a way to heighten that sooner. i feel that we are moving away from living and more looking for an excuse to not have to live.

which
and how
does it matter now

mine
and yours
seeing open doors

tonight
its fine
I leave it all behind

will
you meet me
under the oak tree

share
and care
keep the weather fair

ask
respond
tomorrow I’ll be gone

choice
my voice
I’m moving on

will we meet
again
when the age doesn't factor in
in a place so near
but beyond what you see clear

this is where i work

so a great portion of what happens to me is a direct result of me working at a middle school....it is quite the population....this post however is about the adults that join me in the educating of middle schoolers.....so here we go:
bathrooms...this school has 2 sets of public bathrooms for the students, one upstairs and one downstairs....they are for the students and the occasional staff that does not have the time to get to teh teachers lounge where there are a womans and mens private restroom. whats so amusing to me is the decor of said restrooms. on my first day i walked into a pink and white room that has a polka dot trim going up a about half way. it is decorated in all "you go girl" and "hey sister" type stuff....and pinker than the day is long. now then mens room conversely because of course i use it when the womens is occupied is decorated in fishing....yes fishing...there is a net and rustic whatnot hanging up on the wall....now i have two main points about this....
A. i am curious as to who decorated them. perhaps the office lady who is a devout christian, and rather feminine...unknown...i just think it is interesting that we can claim to be open and toterant, but we as adults still adhere to some archaic forms of what gender means....thats what confuses me...i mean its not the worst thing in the world, but its the fact that it is not even a thought to most people that that acts as a reinforcement of gender stereotypes....i mean do all woman like to shop and be pink...i don't think so....are all men into fishing...really.

B. When i mentioned to another female coworker that then mens room is done up in fishing they were shocked....shocked because they had never been in it before....i mean really...we are adults, these are private one room stalls in the lounge does it matter which one we use....i don't really think so....plus there are about half the number of men as women working here....if both restooms where simply unisex would that makes everyones like easier....just a thought....

youth of america

i think that i may never see
quite what it is that surrounds me
by the time you finally realize
by then you have dropped your disguise
and now its time to recognize
that life isn't trying to paralize
who you want to be

remember the when of yesterday
when you were simply pushed away
remember the when of tomorrow
when you will know just where to go
but remember mostly the when of now
thats the time that makes the most of it all

greetings

every time we turn our head
there is something more to see
everytime we climb into bed
there is somewhere we hope to be
what is past what is there
but still within right now
what is filling the colored air
what else is to be allowed